Dearest Carter Matthew,

Today on 2-22-2022, you turn 3 months old in heaven. You are my 3 month old angel. Mommy was not ready to have an angel watching over her instead of a little baby boy in her arms on earth. I hope you are having fun in heaven, safe in the arms of God, riding on the backs on lions.

You daddy and I often wondered what it was like to be a baby in heaven, when the LORD showed us this verse from Isaiah 11:6-9:

"The wolf shall dwell with the lamb,
    and the leopard shall lie down with the young goat,
and the calf and the lion and the fattened calf together;
    and a little child shall lead them.
The cow and the bear shall graze;
    their young shall lie down together;
    and the lion shall eat straw like the ox.
The nursing child shall play over the hole of the cobra,
    and the weaned child shall put his hand on the adder's den.
They shall not hurt or destroy
    in all my holy mountain;
for the earth shall be full of the knowledge of the Lord
    as the waters cover the sea."

It brought us comfort to imagine you having marvelous adventures up there, leading animals and playing with them, free from the pain and suffering we endure.

Forgive mommy for not writing to you the day you turned 2 months old in heaven. Mommy didn’t forget; in fact, no one forgot. Because the day you turned 2 months old, sweet boy, we were all celebrating your beautiful life at your memorial service on 1-22-2022. I read a poem for you that day, did you like it? It’s called, “Take Care of my Baby, Jesus”. I meant every word, my sweet boy, you are my birdie that flew the nest. You flew away far before I was ready. Yet, I still love you, all the same.

I remember the day you turned 1 month old, sweet Carter. How I had prayed and prayed during your life to have you home with me for the day you turned 1 month old. This prayer was answered. As many doctors and nurses reminded us during your final hours, your daddy and I got to enjoy a week at home with you. These memories at home, many mammas of NICU angels are not as fortunate as us to have. I do not take this for granted, sweet Carter. I am so thankful for every moment that I spent with you, whether it was in the NICU or in our home, you were the best thing about my day, everyday that I had you.

Even still, you are the best part of my days. I love to write to you and for you. I love to talk about you with your dad, my friends, and family. I love to honor you.

Did you see the tattoo mommy got for you? Daddy is going to get one too. I hope you like it.

I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve; baby boy, now I wear my heart on my sleeve everyday because you are my heart.

Sweet boy, this tattoo has a lot of meaning for mommy. First of all, the most important meaning is you, your life, and your legacy. To add to the meaning, a great friend of mommy & daddy gifted the artwork for the tattoo artist to trace. She is an incredible friend and artist so the fact that she drew it makes it all the more special. Even more so, mommy used to say she’d “never” want a tattoo beause there was “nothing” she would ever want on her forever. Never say never! All I want is you forever sweet boy, so of course I wrote your name on the vein that goes to my heart. Of course I put my heart on my sleeve, to show everyone to see! Of course I want to tell everyone how I proud I am of my brave boy for the valiant fight he gave and how thankful I am that my Savior carried him home to heaven, where they both wait for me there.

Sweet boy, the tattoo is also meaningful for me because I believe God writes our names on his arms too. Writing my name on your arm is a reflection of how the LORD loves both you and me; we are His children too and He also keeps His children close to His heart. To me, this idea and the idea for my tattoo come from Isaiah 49, which brings me so much comfort.

This passage is special to me Carter because even though it wasn’t written specifically about us, it reminds me of our story. It reminds me that the LORD has chosen you and saved you by bringing you home to heaven. It reminds me that the LORD does not waste my bereavement. The LORD engraves the names of His children on His hand. Just as I could never forget you, so the LORD will never forget me. All shall know the name of the LORD, my redeemer:

Isaiah 49

The Servant of the Lord

1 Listen to me, O coastlands,
    and give attention, you peoples from afar.
The Lord called me from the womb,
    from the body of my mother he named my name.
2 He made my mouth like a sharp sword;
    in the shadow of his hand he hid me;
he made me a polished arrow;
    in his quiver he hid me away.
3 And he said to me, “You are my servant,
    Israel, in whom I will be glorified.”
4 But I said, “I have labored in vain;
    I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity;
yet surely my right is with the Lord,
    and my recompense with my God.”

5 And now the Lord says,
    he who formed me from the womb to be his servant,
to bring Jacob back to him;
    and that Israel might be gathered to him—
for I am honored in the eyes of the Lord,
    and my God has become my strength—
6 he says:
“It is too light a thing that you should be my servant
    to raise up the tribes of Jacob
    and to bring back the preserved of Israel;
I will make you as a light for the nations,
    that my salvation may reach to the end of the earth.”

7 Thus says the Lord,
    the Redeemer of Israel and his Holy One,
to one deeply despised, abhorred by the nation,
    the servant of rulers:
“Kings shall see and arise;
    princes, and they shall prostrate themselves;
because of the Lord, who is faithful,
    the Holy One of Israel, who has chosen you.”

The Restoration of Israel

8 Thus says the Lord:
“In a time of favor I have answered you;
    in a day of salvation I have helped you;
I will keep you and give you
    as a covenant to the people,
to establish the land,
    to apportion the desolate heritages,
9 saying to the prisoners, ‘Come out,’
    to those who are in darkness, ‘Appear.’
They shall feed along the ways;
    on all bare heights shall be their pasture;
10 they shall not hunger or thirst,
    neither scorching wind nor sun shall strike them,
for he who has pity on them will lead them,
    and by springs of water will guide them.
11 And I will make all my mountains a road,
    and my highways shall be raised up.
12 Behold, these shall come from afar,
    and behold, these from the north and from the west,
    and these from the land of Syene.”

13 Sing for joy, O heavens, and exult, O earth;
    break forth, O mountains, into singing!
For the Lord has comforted his people
    and will have compassion on his afflicted.

14 But Zion said, “The Lord has forsaken me;
    my Lord has forgotten me.”

15 “Can a woman forget her nursing child,
    that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget,
    yet I will not forget you.
16 Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
    your walls are continually before me.
17 Your builders make haste;
    your destroyers and those who laid you waste go out from you.
18 Lift up your eyes around and see;
    they all gather, they come to you.
As I live, declares the Lord,
    you shall put them all on as an ornament;
    you shall bind them on as a bride does.

19 “Surely your waste and your desolate places
    and your devastated land—
surely now you will be too narrow for your inhabitants,
    and those who swallowed you up will be far away.
20 The children of your bereavement
    will yet say in your ears:
‘The place is too narrow for me;
    make room for me to dwell in.’
21 Then you will say in your heart:
    ‘Who has borne me these?
I was bereaved and barren,
    exiled and put away,
    but who has brought up these?
Behold, I was left alone;
    from where have these come?’”

22 Thus says the Lord God:
“Behold, I will lift up my hand to the nations,
    and raise my signal to the peoples;
and they shall bring your sons in their arms,
    and your daughters shall be carried on their shoulders.
23 Kings shall be your foster fathers,
    and their queens your nursing mothers.
With their faces to the ground they shall bow down to you,
    and lick the dust of your feet.
Then you will know that I am the Lord;
    those who wait for me shall not be put to shame.”

24 Can the prey be taken from the mighty,
    or the captives of a tyrant be rescued?
25 For thus says the Lord:
“Even the captives of the mighty shall be taken,
    and the prey of the tyrant be rescued,
for I will contend with those who contend with you,
    and I will save your children.
26 I will make your oppressors eat their own flesh,
    and they shall be drunk with their own blood as with wine.
Then all flesh shall know
    that I am the Lord your Savior,
    and your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob.”

What do you think of this passage honey? Do you enjoy it as much as mommy? Is there any need for Scripture in heaven? Scripture is our way of hearing God's voice hear on the earth, but if you are with God in the fullness of His presence, I wonder if you need it anymore?

Carter love, I am trying my best to honor you by living my life with purpose and mission: To share the good news of the LORD and to seek to know Him more. I will not lie baby boy, it’s hard to trust God sometimes, especially for me in my grieving right now. Nonetheless, I still pray He sees me through the pain of my incredible loss, somehow. I want to believe that my bereavement is not in vain and that He will not forget me.

Sweet boy, your kitten misses you. He looks for you everywhere, in the crib, on your the swing, and in your bassinet. He sees when I’m sad and he cries with me because he’s sad too. He can’t talk, so he cannot understand, like I do, why we had to loose you.

I am scared of the day when I may have a rainbow baby in my arms who cannot talk and will not understand, why big brother is far away in a strange and distant land.

How could it be possible to love another child as much as I loved you? I’m scared of the unknown, of loosing another little one. Please LORD, don’t let it be true!

Carter, will you please watch over your brothers and sisters, however they come to us? Please ask God to protect them and help them to grow big and strong.

I miss you so much my precious baby, I still cannot believe you’re gone. I keep pinching myself, waiting to wake up from this nightmare. I fell asleep on 11-20-21 like it was just any other day, 39 weeks pregnant and so full of hope and love for you. If I could only wake up and say it was all a horrible nightmare.

Instead, the only relief I have from my living nightmares are my actual nightmares when I fall asleep at night. When I awake in the morning, it is the new worst day of my life.

Sweet Carter, if you were here with me today, I wonder how would you be doing? Would you still be “failure to thrive”? Would we still be going in for weekly weight checks? Would we still be in the NICU? Would we have been transferred to the PICU? Would you be on IV nutrition for your short bowel syndrome? Would we have moved across state lines to be closer to a major Children’s research hospital? Would we be on a waiting list for a liver transplant due to your Alagille syndrome? Would I have been a match for you to be your living donor? Would you still be the happy baby boy with the big blue eyes? Would you still love your paci and your swing? Would you still love cuddles with mommy? Would you still look just like your daddy?

Sweet Carter, I thought letting go of you was the worst day of my life. But in fact, each day that I rise is the new worst day of my life because it’s another day longer since I’ve held you. Or is it really another day closer to seeing you again?

I’ve always been a glass-is-half-empty type of person, sweet baby. But in your life, you gave me the hope, joy, and courage to stay positive. I truly believed that the miracle we wanted for you would come sweet boy, which is why I was so devastated when it didn’t. Of course, I worried and feared the worst. Nonetheless, I still believed.

Even now, Carter, though I face the worst everyday… Nonetheless, I still believe.

I still pray,

I believe you are in heaven, waiting for me.

I believe Christ is my redeemer. 

I believe He is alive.

I believe You are alive.

I believe. 

LORD, help my unbelief.

Sweet Carter, say hi to Grandpa Hodges for me, I cannot wait to meet him. And say hi to St. Paul and Moses and all the saints that have gone before us. Most importantly Carter, ask the LORD if the Holy Spirit would come move in my life and show me and your daddy again, in tangible ways, that the LORD is indeed good, even in bad times, that God is good.

"For the LORD is good; His loving kindness is everlasting

     And His faithfulness to all generations." 

Psalm 100:5

I love you forever, Carter Matthew. As long as I am living, my baby you’ll be.

All my love,

Mommy

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