1

O LORD how unsearchable and 
   unfathomable are your ways!
You have searched me and known me, 
   you are in my quiet place.
You have seen the very worst of me, 
   yet you do not cast your face.
You were with me in the lowest valleys,
   when all my enemies surrounded me -

My worst fears were no surprise to you,
  LORD. 
You saw every “what if” and every
  endless possibility. 
You were not surprised by any 
  tribulation that came to unfold. 
You chose Carter, my son. 
   You predestined him, 
   to be your little one. 
You knew the number of days
   we would have him, 
   before you took him home. 

What can man do, 
   to add an hour to one's life? 
What can a parent do,
   to keep their child from harm? 
Enemies wait at the door, 
   to snatch the little ones. 
They take many forms, 
   they take many babes. 
There is nothing new under the sun, 
   I am not the first mother to lose 
   her little one. 
Still, I wished it Your will to save me, 
   to take the cup from me. 

Most bitter is the cup of a child’s death, 
   most unnatural and 
   inexplicably poisonous!
The enemy seeks to devour me,
   at every corner, 
   he pounces like a lion,
   his sword is anxiety, 
   his cloak depression. 
I am but a bird in a snare. 

Where does my help come from? 
   My Help comes from the LORD, 
   the maker of heaven and earth! 
He will rescue me from the pit, 
   He will crush my enemies,
   underneath my feet. 
Anxiety shall not destroy me, 
   depression shall not overtake me. 
I will rise from the ashes, 
   and give glory to God - 
For He is good, and He is my strength. 

Help Lord! The children cry out to you, 
   the babes are dying in their beds,
What will you do? 
   Why must a child be snatched, 
   even from his mother’s womb?
Why do the people cry in tears, 
   for their precious ones,
   whom they prayed for?
         For months? Even years?

Lord, we call out to you, 
   the gracious and compassionate one, 
We plead for Mercy, for your little ones!
   The world, she is plagued,
   with the worst of chronic diseases.
   She cries out to you -- for the cure. 
You are the great physician, LORD! 
   Only you can return,
   and fulfill your promise, 
   to satisfy the groaning of all creation. 

Who but the LORD 
   can make all things new? 
Who but the LORD
   can give rest to the weary?
The pits are deep, the snares are sharp. 
   The pain of this world, 
   for your children, is a broken heart --
   a heart that breaks for its child,
   a heart that breaks for all the children. 

You love the little children Lord, 
   we call out for you to return. 
We call out for the trumpets to sound. 
   We need more than this world offers, 
   We need you to save us from
   the clutches of death and decay.
Yet, in the meantime, while we wait, 
   give us the strength to pray. 

Have mercy on the children! 
   Give strength to all us broken parents. 
Let us see redemption, transformation,
   help us fix our eyes, 
   on the hope of new Creation.

Christ is risen, and Christ will return. 
   What a joy to know that you are alive,  
   and that blessed assurance --- 
You keep our little ones in your wings,
   like a mother hen gathers her young. 
We are your little ones, Father, 
   let us fly again on eagles’ wings. 
Give us the joy that only flows from
   the Kingdom of heaven. 

2

Who am I to come before you LORD? 
Who am I to write with my modern pen,
   Such things so high and lofty,
   Too wonderful to understand?
I am no King David, still I like to pretend. 

To think of your servant, David --
How much we have in common!
How great is our reward, 
   for such terrible pain,
   we endured on the earth, 
   to lose a newborn baby.
It will be our joy, 
   To come into your presence,
   Sovereign LORD.

Would if I could, 
   speak with your servant David,
   to have his wise counsel, his wisdom!
What is it like to see prosperity,
    And joy in youth?
Then come of age with the LORD,
   Only to see such suffering,
   As losing one’s own babe,
   Before its youth? 

Like David,
   Will you give me peace?

In my youth, I praised You, LORD!
   I sang songs,
   I wrote of Your goodness.
In my womanhood, I prayed,
   To the God of my youth!

When you took my child,
   Unlike David, 
   I did not understand why.
Still David’s words gave me
   the assurance to know,
I will see my sweet baby,
   In the sky.

While I wish,
   he could come back to me,
   and I did not have to wait,
   to go to him --

I will rise from my bed,
I will eat, I will sleep,
I will praise the LORD!

When my son was alive,
   I prayed, I earnestly sought --
   I pleaded my case to You,
To spare my son’s life!
   But your will, it was not.

Help me O LORD!
To rise like David,
Help me to come into your house, LORD
   And worship
   As I am 

You see me in my brokenness, God,
   You see my pain, my regret, my fear.
   You hold my anxieties, 
    You hold the future,
           In your hands.

Help me Lord, help me to understand!

I have searched for the LORD,
    And found Him in the lowest place.
He has refreshed my soul.
   Like a deer pants for water,
   My soul thirsts for You, the Living God!

When my strength is none,
   You so graciously renew 
   I am satisfied in You.

So let the storm come!
   Let the waters rise!
You are within me,
   So I will not fail.

Lord, let your name be glorified.

3

What power have I, 
   to question the Holy one?
What did I gain, 
   to curse the Living God?
To dust and to ashes, I repent.

They question all day long,
   “Where was your God?
   He has forgotten you,
   He did not spare your son!” 

Though I doubted, 
   Though my anger persevered,
   I turned to them and said,
   “It is not so! 
    My God, my Savior is near!”

You are near to the broken hearted.
  You love the powerless, the helpless.
      You, O LORD, did not spare 
          Your own son,
              You gave Him up willingly -- 
                  as a gift!

For this, I will praise you,
I will rise out of the pit --
   and go into the house of LORD,
   and worship him, 
   together with the saints!
May the LORD, my rock, be glorified,
   and the wicked turn to seek your face.

How wicked and broken am I, LORD!
    I am not worthy to come 
       into your presence,
   Apart from the forgiveness and mercy
      of your son, the Savior King.

Lord, you are no stranger to my pain!
   Help me see, to live is Christ,
May I run the race well,
   as I await the prize --

To someday behold the risen One!
   And to see him hold my son, Carter,
        His precious little one.

4

How long will I wait LORD?
See my bones are crushed, 
   my soul turned to anguish
I cry out in agony,
   Have mercy on my family!
LORD, cursed am I above all women!

How be it that such a deadly plague,
   Struck down my only child?
Will my womb be cursed forever?
Will I ever see the joy of descendants? 
Why must my arms be empty, O LORD?

How can it be LORD, 
   That I am a mother, 
   With no child to raise? 
Yet there are so many children 
   With no mother, with no father?

LORD you love the orphan,
    I know it to be so, but even still,
    could my family grow?
Is it so wrong to desire
   the joy a husband’s smile
   on a sweet babe’s face?
Or the eyes of your mother, 
   in a child’s grace?

LORD, You know my heart for orphans!
   You know my desire to take them in,
I thought it so LORD, 
   to have my own first,
   then to take them in --

Why is it that one woman’s womb
    Is blessed for a time,
Only for her to pass in labor,
   And leave this world,
   And her sweet babe behind? 

Why is it one woman prays for years 
   Only to never see the positive sign?
And why is it others labor for days 
   Only to see a heartbeat stop, 
          And never revived?

There are mother’s who would give 
      Anything 
To hold their child in their arms,
      Here on earth again.
There are mothers who would give 
      Anything 
To raise the children they have,
     Waited for.

One woman’s tribulation,
   Is another woman’s dream.
Why must it be this way, LORD? 
   Why have these dreams?
   If it be not in your will for us?

If we dream of family,
   And of children,
Who has given us those dreams LORD,
   But you?

Though the world may scoff,
   Though they may laugh,
   I know your heart for families,
   Is true.

LORD, the world is broken!
   We cry out to you, 
   And beg you to make all things new!

Be near to the woman
   Whose womb has been barren
Be near to the woman 
   Whose baby was born sleeping
Be near to the woman
   Whose child has a fatal diagnosis 

                  LORD, Be near to the women!

LORD, Be near to the children 
   Who are born alive
Only to never leave the hospital
   And are trapped inside
Be near to the doctors and nurses
   Who have done everything --
One can possibly do,
   When it's time to let go --
And let the little ones come to you.

LORD, Be near to those, parents,
   Be near to those little ones,
Give the parents the strength 
   To say goodbye
Give the little ones the courage 
   To face the unknown,
Let your wings, carry them 
    home.

And, LORD, be with those parents,
   In the aftermath.
Show them your love,
   Show them your mercy.
Heal their broken hearts,
   While they wait to be reunited, 
   With their children in heaven. 

You have said you are 
   compassionate
And slow to anger 
   so please be slow 
When we are angry
   With this broken world
          Be slow 
When we question you, 
even curse you --
         But don’t be slow 
                  to forgive us!
         Don’t be slow 
                  to show us compassion!

Come and do 
   what only You can do,
For it is only You,
   Who can make 
                                all things new.

5

Man makes plans, and the LORD laughs.
   Wise men say, “If the LORD allows, 
   then we will go here, and do this.”
A man’s heart plans his way, 
   but the LORD establishes his steps.
Some of us will step where 
  we never want to go.
Are you willing to submit to the LORD?
    To surrender and say, 
   “Here am I, send me!”
Or will you too, be like Jonah?
To find yourself in the belly of the whale?
    The LORD will take you to Nineveh, 
One way or another, and unlike Jonah, 
    You may never get your “why.”

Do you trust the LORD?
If you trust in the LORD, 
   You don’t need a why!
I know you want one, even still --
   It is best, to submit to His will.

I don’t pretend,
   To have all the answers,
But I know the one who does.
He has given us everything 
   we need to know,
   In His Holy Word --

His word speaks even still, 
He answers us when we call,
He hears us when we question, 
He knows our every need, big or small.

He promises to be enough,
That we shall be satisfied in him .

Come to the water, you who thirst!
   Drink from the well, 
   Find rest for your soul,

This world, is not one you can control.
You will find freedom in letting go --
   Of the illusion of control.
You will find freedom in trusting God,
   He is the only one who knows.

Help us, LORD!
We are desperate to trust in you.
   Our souls ache
   for the redemption of creation.
Who can deny that the world is broken?
Who can deny the world needs a Savior?

You made a way, 
   when there was no way.
You defeated death, 
   its clutches nullified in your hands.
Yet, we are human, and still think,
  We are wise enough, to understand.

Humble us God, may our eyes 
   not be haughty! 
May our praise not be for ourselves,
May we not boast about 
  how great we are,
But how great you are, LORD!

You make your power 
   perfect in weakness.
Blessed are those who mourn,
   for we shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
   for we shall inherit the earth.

There is a time to mourn,
   and a time to dance,
This is the time to mourn!
It’s okay to cry,
   It’s okay to ask God, “Why?” 

But remember, in the “Why’s” 
   and even those tricky “What-ifs”,
He is there,
   and He is God,
We are not alone.
   and He is on our side,
He is not vindictive to us,
   He does not seek to destroy us,
He has come to save us!
   He has nothing but grace for us.

He is jealous for us,
   He wants our hearts,
   To be fully his,
Do you love the LORD your God, 
   above all other loves?
Or do you still worship idols, 
   even after all this time?

Lord, I cast down my idols!
For I am yours,
And you are mine.

Lord, you are calling to your Church,
“Wake up! The time is near!”
Help us be obedient, LORD!
Cast out the fear.

6

What can I say, LORD?
When I have pleaded,
    every request to you?
What is left to say when I have, 
    torn every garment?
And beat my chest?

There is nothing left to do,
But to Praise You.

You deserve to be praised,
Regardless of how I feel.
Regardless of circumstance,
   You always deserve our zeal.

Because you are Holy, O Lord! 
   You are the creator!
Where was I when you created the stars?

Such knowledge is to wonderful for me,
   I cannot attain it!
In the pits of my despair,
   You are there, 
In the highest mountain, 
   You are there,
In the deepest of valleys,
   You are still there!

How can I escape from your presence?
 and how can I keep from singing 
 your praise?

How awesome is the LORD, 
   the maker of heaven and earth!
He has put me to the test, 
   He has walked with me,
   through the fire!
I was not burned, because He was there, 
   my bones trembled, 
   and my body was weak,
Still, I did not perish, 
   because He sustained me. 

Sometimes, the Lord calls people home,
   as an act of mercy.
Though we wish, for our sake,
   we could have them with us 
   a little longer.

But if there is breath in our lungs, 
What should we use it for, 
   other than to praise God, 
   and tell of his good news?
The gospel is everlasting hope,
    To the poor and the powerless,
    To the downcast and heavy laden --

Though the rich and prosperous man, 
   is to be pitied above all others!
Though his castle may be high, 
   and his children healthy, and his wife, 
Beautiful as they come, 
   the Rich may fail to see
   through blinded eyes,
How much he needs the LORD! 

The rich man will look at his 
   earthly treasures and say,
   “How hard I’ve worked, 
    how much I’ve toiled, 
    to see the fullness, 
    of my reward!”
But if God was merciful, 
    he would smite him 
    and ruin his success,
So that he would come to find the Lord,
    in his brokenness.

How hard it is for the rich 
   to enter the kingdom of heaven! 
I am the worst kind of poor -- 
   poor in spirit.
Would if I could, 
   I would trade all earthly treasures,
To live in a cardboard box, 
   with the son I love.
I count my possessions as rubbish, 
   my things, nothing matters,
Compared to the joy of knowing my son.

How much more so, should I 
   count the things of this world,
   as rubbish, compared to the joy 
   set before me in heaven!
Christ is all I need, He is my portion. 
I lay my treasures up in heaven.

I have more treasure there already,
   Than most.
The most perfect little boy,
   He awaits me there!
I long for the LORD, 
   and I long to be reunited with 
   my sweet Carter,
   the desire of my heart.

But I will live for the Lord,
   and honor Carter’s legacy,
   while we are apart.
Though the love of a child,
   The love of a spouse, 
   The love of a parent,
   or of a friend,
   May leave us --
Before we go home,
   The Lord will never leave us.
          We are not alone.

How wonderful, to have the Lord!
   And to have his Church, 
   to still see blessings --
   While on the earth!

Though my suffering is great,
As they say, 
    it could always be worse.
The Lord sees what I need in this season.
   and He provides,
He carries me through,
Beyond all worldly thought and reason.

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