I prayed to the Lord for a miracle for Carter. You all faithfully prayed to the Lord for a miracle for my baby. Friends I haven’t spoken to in years, friends who don’t normally pray, strangers…you all came alongside me and we all prayed for a miracle together. Prayers were lifted up across several states. 

Which leads us all to ask together, Where was the miracle for Carter?

I am here to say what I am coming to slowly accept: It is a miracle that Carter lived as long as he did. It is a miracle that I did not lose him in pregnancy. It is a miracle he was not still born. It is a miracle, even after he was born that he lived past day three. It is a miracle that we got to hold him, know him, and love him. It is a miracle that we got to take him home for a time. It is a miracle that in the end Jesus set him free from the bondage of his pain and suffering.

The First Miracle: I did not lose Carter in pregnancy

When I was about 37 weeks pregnant with Carter, there was a shooting at the mall where I work. Not a targeted case of domestic violence, no, the kind where a very disturbed person opens fire into the crowd. At the time, it was the most traumatic thing I had ever gone through.

People were shot and killed in the corridors I walked everyday. One person was even shot in the parking lot where I was at that very moment in time, trying to escape on foot. The Lord carried me and Carter to safety that day, so that we could meet Carter and know him.

The Second Miracle: Carter was not stillborn

So many tragic, scary things happened in Carter’s life after birth that unlike most moms, even unlike most loss-moms, I don’t care very much about my birth story, even the scary parts. 

But the reality is that God’s hand carried Carter to safety in that very hour. Carter’s heart rate kept dropping dramatically during delivery. The nurse and doctor might as well have been screaming that I had to push harder and faster. I looked up at them with tears in my tired eyes and said, “Do you think the umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck?” They told me with great bedside manners that it was a possibility and it was time to push and push fast. 

Even though I was a first time mom, on a very heavy epidural, Carter somehow appeared only an hour and a half later, he was breathing, crying, and had great APGAR scores. This was a miracle. Moments later we learned that I had a placental abruption, which can cause stillbirth.

In a lot of ways, you could say it would have been less painful to lose Carter in pregnancy or stillbirth. While I agree with you, I will say, if I had to, I would do it all over again, because it is better to have known him and loved him than to never met him at all.

The Third Miracle: Carter lived as long as he did

Medically speaking, even without Carter’s Alagille diagnosis, the odds were unfathomably stacked against my sweet Carter from birth. After delivery, Carter and I were determined to have incompatible blood types. A few decades ago, my body would have attacked Carter and tried to kill him. Back then, babies who lived long enough to be born alive often ended up in the NICU simply because they and their mother had incompatible blood types. Thanks to the advances in medicine, this was a non-issue for Carter.

I also was Group B Strep (GBS) positive in my pregnancy. Group B Strep alone can also be fatal to infants if you don’t receive the antibiotic during delivery, which I did. 

Carter was hypoglycemic at birth, his blood sugar was critically low. However, he was able to receive dextrose at the hospital which helped him transition from being used to my body regulating his sugar, to regulating his own. 

Carter was projectile vomiting, everywhere, he could barely keep anything down. We would later learn this was because of intestinal atresia, an obstruction of the bowel. If surgeries and NICUs were not what they are today, Carter would have passed from dehydration and malnutrition. 

The survival rate for neonates with intestinal atresia 20 years ago was only 50%. Back then they didn’t have TPN (aka IV nutrition) which can keep a baby alive for months on IV alone. The survival rate for intestinal atresia is now 99% in 2022. Because of God’s provisions through modern medicine, we got to keep our baby past day 3. He was blessed to receive the life saving nourishment he needed from TPN while his intestines healed from surgery. 

Many babies enter the NICU on life support and stay that way until they tragically pass away. But Carter was not that way. He was what they call a “feeder/grower”. He was a fighter, he was brave. We got to know him and love him with a love we had never experienced, for about a month. It may have only been a month, but it was a month, with him enjoying us and us enjoying him. If I had to, I would do it all over again. It is better to have known him and loved him for as many days as we could than to lose him so soon as week one.

The Fourth Miracle: Carter is healed and alive with the Lord

As you all know, there was much more going on than anyone realized. What the doctors told us was the worst case scenario (liver transplant) would have been a much happier reality for all of us than what came to follow. 

Despite this, the true miracle is that my son is not dead. He is alive with the Lord. He is free from the pain and suffering he endured. He doesn’t need life support anymore. He has life in the fullest. 

Granted, this is not the miracle I wanted. This is not the miracle you wanted. But the Lord knew what was best for Carter. We often prayed for mercy. And God saw that the severity of Carter’s earthly condition was a call too weary for such an innocent one to endure, so God called him home for healing. My son is alive. I will be with Carter again someday, will you? 

The Fifth Miracle: The Lord is no stranger to my pain 

The Father gave up his only son for all of us willingly so that we may have eternal life. Do not be fooled by my writing, even though I may know with my head that Carter is better off in heaven, my heart is kicking and screaming like a toddler throwing a temper tantrum! 

I want my baby HERE and I want him HERE now. 

I gave up my only son, but I did not go willingly. In my flesh, I would trade a thousand souls to have one more day with Carter on earth. 

BUT GOD. He gave up his only son willingly for me and you, to save all of our souls. 

 “For God so loved the world, 
that he gave his only Son, 
that whoever believes in him 
should not perish 
but have eternal life.” 
- John 3:16 -

“For while we were still weak, 
at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 
For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—
though perhaps for a good person 
one would dare even to die— 
but God shows his love for us in that 
while we were still sinners, 
Christ died for us” 
- Romans 5:6-8 -

The Lord loves the little children who “do not know their right hand from their left” (Jonah 4:11). He has special grace for them in their innocence (To learn more about this I highly recommend you read “Safe in the Arms of God” by John McArthur, as it walks you through the evidence for this in Scripture so that we can have assurance our little ones are Safe with God). 

But if you are reading my words today, you do know your right hand from your left. You are accountable for your sin against the Father, as am I, one of the worst of the sinners. 

So what do you have to do to get right with God? Nothing.

That’s right. Nothing.

Religions say, you have to earn your way to heaven by doing good things. But this is flawed, all of us fall short trying to earn God’s favor. Jesus says, I already did this for you. He gave himself up so that you could have life and life in the fullest. Not just one day in heaven, but life in the fullest now. 

Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30,  “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Jesus can carry the burden for you, whatever you face, whatever you struggle with. Whether you are like me and you suffer from some of the crueler things in life — whether you are angry with God or afraid of him — He can handle it. 

You don’t have to do anything to earn God’s favor. He already had grace for you when you were at your lowest, your weakest, your worst. 

He is saying, Trust in me. Believe in me. Trust in the work I did for you on the cross, trust that I am enough. Trust that I am alive. Trust that I am coming back to make all things new and you will find rest for your soul. 

Today is the day to repent from your prideful way of thinking and saying, “I got this. I can do this on my own. I am in control,” and instead say, “Lord I need you. There is nothing I can do to be worthy of you. There is nothing I can do to control my life. I let go. I trust you. I repent. I surrender to you. You are my Lord, you loved me, died for me, saved me, and you are coming back for me. Here I am. Let your will be done.”

If you are reading my words and God is calling you to Himself, maybe for the first time, or maybe He is calling you back home, like the prodigal son…. either way, I want you to know the Father’s arms are open to His children. Today is the day to get right with God. Today is the day to surrender. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us, trust me I speak from experience. If God is calling you to Himself, I encourage you to reach out to that person in your life you know who is living for the Lord. They have been praying for you and are ready to talk. There is nothing you could say or confess that would make them love you any less.

If I’m the person in your life, don’t be afraid to reach out to me. My heart may be hurting, but the Lord is my healer. If you need me, I want to be there for you, just like you and the heavenly Father are both there for me, even in valleys as dark as this. If Carter could talk to us from heaven, I believe he would tell us there is nothing sweeter than to be in the presence of Jesus.

The Father’s miracles are endless. His ways are higher. He may not always do what you want Him to do. But He is asking both you and I to submit to His ways and trust in Him. To trust in Him for our salvation, and to trust in Him for the weary days ahead while we wait for heaven and His return, the redemption of creation. 

---